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How to actually apologize as an ally if your old shit catches up to you.
Reblogged from dansphalluspalace
Alright, a friend of mine linked me to this, and I’m going to have to respond to it because, well, there’s a fair bit that bother me about it.
Hey! Okay. So, I’m a person who has done plenty of fuck ups. Plenty.
Trust me.
And I learned how to be mature, and learn from my experience.
So I want to tell you allies how to actually respond maturely to being called out and finding out you have a video or post back in the day that oooo wow yea not so cool.
See, this sounds like a good idea. A basic 101 of “how to apologize without being a dick about it” is something a lot of people need.
One: Address said post/video. Do not sugarcoat it, just simply say “Yes, I see I was racist/transphobic/cissexist/etc. in this. I was younger, and this post/video/etc. was from a time that I did not know. That doesn’t excuse it, so let me address my younger self.”
Starts out as common sense.
The only way to apologize for being “wrong” is to start by admitting you were wrong without trying to make it seem you weren’t wrong….
However, being wrong, naive, simple, uninformed, and ignorant, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a bigoted person, depends on whether or not you’re able to understand you’re uninformed/ignorant and able to correct it when your knowledge expands.
Two: Make a post/video/whatever to address that post, SPECIFICALLY TO YOUR YOUNGER SELF. Do not address people you have offended. Trust me, the problem isn’t with us, it’s with yourself. Link that post/video to the original video. With youtube, you can EASILY MAKE A LINK THING saying “Hey, please see this updated video instead. This video is shit. I explain why.”
….
Now, this right here, doesn’t make a lick of sense.
What on earth would a person stand to gain as a human being for berating a person that by definition does not exist any more?
The only thing this serves to be is public self flagellation and humiliation, seemingly only to make us feel better about the other person, by making that person feel like shit about themselves, over a person they “used” to be, but aren’t any more.
… I really don’t see any benefit from this what so ever… to anyone.
Three: Do not delete original video. That is an act of 1) non-compliance, 2) not learning/growing, 3) cover-up. If anything, as I said, replace the video with a new video addressing yourself and perhaps a link to a saved copy of the video SO PEOPLE CAN REFER TO IT. Yes, referring to your own fuck ups ACTUALLY LOOKS MATURE.
This too doesn’t sit right with me at all!
I fully support taking down the offending post, because leaving up posts containing bigotry can help make bigots feel supported in their bigotry.
It’s a little like… updating textbooks for a class as our understanding of the subject continues to expand. If misinformation and theories proven wrong are currently available in an unchanged format, well… there will be people taking ‘em as solid truth.
Leaving old bigotry laying around on the intrawebz is not an improvement.
So, lets say someone states something out of ignorance, repeating something that someone told to them, which they later learn is wrong, then.. how about correcting the misinformation and removing the misinformation so that it doesn’t get held up as accurate?..
No, referring to your own fuckups doesn’t “look” mature. It isn’t mature. It’s wallowing self flagellation… in a way that can actually look like self important, self induced martyrdom.
“Oh, I said X, I was a horrible person then.” comes with the implied “I’m a soooooo much better person now.”
The thing is, it’s better to just admit you’re at fault, apologize, remove the offense, then just not do it again.
Four: For the love of God don’t use the fucking slurs that were just told for you to NOT USE IN THE FIRST PLACE in your apology. Saying t-word or n-word is ACTUALLY OKAY.
Yeah, see, this part there, I like this part.
If someone tells you off for saying something bloody wrong, you don’t repeat it as “true” in your correction of how it’s not true…. so… if you honestly mean to apologize for using a slur, then don’t use it again.
Though, if there’s some confusion as to which word you’re apologizing for, as I’ve seen happen, I can understand how it’s tempting to be specific and accurate in one’s apology, but it should be avoided never the less.
Personally, here’s what I would suggest.
1. Apologize, don’t excuse. Be accurate, honest, and to the point.
(If you’re unable to do this, then you’re obviously not really meaning to “apologize” but to simply placate. This is just as offensive. So just don’t apologize and live with the fallout you rightly deserve.)
2. Correct the offense.
3. Don’t do it again.
