I have worked hard to overcome my timid, nervous, shy nature, to be “me”, even if that means I appear different than others, even if that means I stick out…
.. and it’s become more difficult than it used to be.
I find myself second guessing, hesitating, doubting, not just what I do, but where I do it.
I find myself pulling away from Tumblr, avoiding certain conversations, avoiding the creation of certain posts, because I have people following me here which I know in person, because I’m identifiable..
.. and I don’t want to draw too much attention.
Not because I have anything to hide, as such, but because some of my things, my beliefs, my wants and needs and things, are a little bit out of the norm.
I avoid talking otherkin stuff, because of the “fluff” factor.
I avoid talking kink stuff, because of the “weird” factor.
I avoid talking certain political stuff because of how that would reflect in context of my work with the lgbt group.
I avoid a lot of things.
I have neither shorn nor brushed my hair in close to two years, and I’m fighting an urge to take a machine to my head, “shaving” it down to less than an inch of fuzz…
As the stress in my life increases, the worse this gets, and I start realizing that I’m living in a constant state of “fear” with no clear threat identified… and I hold back… and anxiety starts to make decisions for me.
But I’m trying.. really hard… to hold it together, to keep myself from disappearing behind a veil of “defensive masks”, to stand up and be seen, honestly and openly, as who and what I am,…
… but no amount of logical and rational thinking will stop that nagging voice that whispers to me every moment of every day and reminds me of how ugly, how broken, how strange, how irritating, how annoying, how stupid, how flawed, how weak, how arrogant, how timid, how shy, how cocky, how idiotic, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, I “look” to anyone who glances my way.